You know what? Life is a bitch. It truly is! You spend your whole life fighting and learning and trying to get better and learn from your mistakes and guess what, life just gives it all back to you up the ass. You spend your whole life believing all that movie bullshit that if you do your best you will be righteously rewarded. Well, guess what? we have been fooled.
Ever since I was a little kid, I always tried to do the right thing. I was plagued by the idealistic kid stories where the one who always did things right got rewarded at the end, where the good guys always got the girl or gained respect of everybody or felt good about themselves, all that bullshit we got fed as kids into our minds to try to make sense in the world as we grew up. But as you grow up, you discover just how unfair the world is, it doesn't really take that much thinking or looking,. I always catch myself thinking about all the stuff I missed and all the sacrifices I made trying to do the "right" thing even if it was on the expense of me getting what I want thinking that at the end, the world is going to give me everything I wanted just because I was a good guy all this time, but it just didn't work.
There comes a point where I think that maybe I just didn't care about myself as much as I cared about everybody else and whether that was the right choice or not. You know, it could've worked if these people you cared about returned even the tiniest bit of what you did to them, but the surprise is that even the closes people to you will not give a shit about you and your stupid little ideal world and your high morals and values and all that crap. All the shit you did meant that somebody else got what he wanted instead of you or on your expense and then didn't give a crap about you. They are smart! Smarter than me at least!
I could just go on blaming anybody else about it, you know, your parents are the ones who first pops into your minds, what did they think raising a guy like me? But I'm fuckin 30 years old now, I'm too old to blame my folks, they didn't know any better anyways. There is no "How To Raise Your Kids" guide out there that tells you what to do or what not to do. And even if there were, life is so fuckin random that it won't be that helpful anyways. All I know is that the experiment of me made me firm on the decision that I don't want to have kids at all. Maybe not even get married. I don't want my son to fuckin ask me the questions I'm asking myself right now, if you don't know how to raise kids, why the fuck have them in the first place? It just beats me. I mean, how is it going to feel when this person you were responsible for bringing into life and raising him the best way you can tells you when he turns 30 that he wishes he was never born. It will just fuckin kill me. And it's not like the existence of the human race is going to greatly suffer your loss. We were all taught that we are going to grow up to make great things and make our parents proud and all that crap, do you know how many people I know are satisfied with their lives? Do you know how many people I know whose parents are just proud of? It is just too little to make this whole parenting thing a rewarding experience.
The truth is, I've never been happy. I've just busted my ass trying to achieve an impossible dream that everything is going to turn out to be alright at the end and just tried to take care of everybody around me that I forgot to take care about the most important person in my life. Me.What about what I need? Who fuckin cares? I mean if I just die right now, how many people will truly feel sorry for that? My parents? They're fuckin genetically programmed to do just that! If I turned out to be a fuckin serial killer they would just still love me all the same. My brothers? Fuck that, they might be the core of my problems actually. Friends? Yeah, maybe, for a little while I mean. I'm just not going to matter to nobody, which makes me think that this is actually the main reason why people get into relationships and get married, to have that someone who would care. Well, that "special" someone never existed for me, and to tell you the truth, it might never will. You get to this point where you just start questioning the true meaning of you being alive really, there are like six billion people on Earth, do they all really matter? I bet you could lose a billion and don't even notice. We all lead our little miserable lives trying to figure out a reason of why do we keep living and fighting and you know what? Maybe there is no reason, maybe it is really just a shit hole that we all share. Life is just one damned thing after another. One of my favorite quotes.
What really gets on your nerves is that if you take your life, commit suicide, you are doomed, you are going to burn in Hell for the rest of your life. And this is where I have to stop and continue my contemplation in my own head cause otherwise, you never know, one fucker might read all of this and decide that Hell might be better for me after all.
Life is a bitch.